13 reasons why (I love myself sick).

13 reasons why (I love myself sick).

1. I’m not ashamed to order a small family’s worth of McDonalds and to tell the cashier that I’m pregnant. So they make it fresh.

2. I’m not ashamed to spend an entire sunny bank holiday weekend on my friend’s couch, binging on episodes of ‘Love Island’. While eating a whole tub of Nutella.

3. I’m not ashamed to have had at one time only £12 in my bank account and to have spent that on humous, cheese and bread. The good bread!

4. I’m not ashamed that I ball my eyes out like a baby every time I watch Will Smith in the ‘Pursuit of Happiness’. Every. Time.

5. I’m not ashamed that if I want to look 5 pounds lighter, I think of getting a spray tan but then chicken out because that means standing in front of a perfect stranger naked. Exercise also never presents it’s self as the best option.

6. I’m not ashamed that the only thing I can successfully cook in the kitchen is a salad and a toasted cheese sandwich. I once called my Mother and asked her how to boil pasta. 🤦🏻‍♀️

7. I’m not ashamed that the only time I ever shave my lady parts is when I think I might be gettin’ some. So rarely.

8. I’m not ashamed that on one particular day, the only time I left the house was just to buy donuts. And successfully ate 4 in one sitting.

9. I’m not ashamed that recently I was so hungover that I ordered Deliveroo 3 times in one day. From the same restaurant. That restaurant may or may not have been McDonalds as well.

10. I’m not ashamed to respond with ‘sorry I’m busy tonight’ when all I’m doing is heading home to wash my hair and pop my pjs on. And watch Love Island.

11. I’m not ashamed to take myself out for a dinner and a show. Solo dining is liberating AF! Even when you have to respond “No, just just me” when the waiter says “Table for 2?”

12. I’m not ashamed to have 3 different dating apps on my phone and that I still gush over a guy, if he shows me the slightest bit of attention. Seriously. Yesterday a guy emailed me at work and I had zero chill about it. A fucking email!

13. I’m not ashamed that I was ashamed about these silly little things in my twenties. How fucking cool is it to be in your thirties?

How fucking cool is slowly giving zero fucks about the stuff that would of had you stay indoors or kept you up at night when you were younger?

There is something fucking cool about slowly settling into your own skin and scars. There is something fucking cool about staring at your flaws and imperfections and charging forward anyway because you now know there are other parts of you that are just as flawless and perfect; and that needs to be celebrated too!

Oh the wonder of simply sitting with your own quirks and weirdo moments, without needing someone else to validate them. The bliss of having the ability to feel really good and not good at the same time, because let’s be honest, happiness is not a destination.

No matter how hard we try, we will never arrive at ‘happy’. We’ll drive past it, around it, and stop at it, many times. What’s fucking cool is how we’ve also learnt what to do when we arrive at the other stops, like ‘uncertainty’, ‘misery’ and ‘devastation’.

If getting older simply means loving yourself sick just a little more every day and pulling through the ugly stuff with gusto; then bring that shiz onnnn!

I also encourage you to make a *list. It sounds small and pointless but give it a go. I promise not only will you feel better but at the very least, have a good chuckle at your fine self.

Yasss Kween!

Big love,

Carmela

*Your list may not have as many food references as mine. I mean, if loving carbs is wrong, I don’t want the be right! Riiiight? #Guilty 💁🏻‍♀️

Introducing Carmela Contarino, the #PowerKween behind ‘So The Fairy Tales Lied…’ 👸🏻♥️✨

Carmela is an Aussie in London with wanderlust. A TV/Radio rebel. Fierce feminist. Loud laugh-er. Emotional eat-er. Pop culture cat. Red wine wooer and karaoke kween. She hopes that her experiences are just like yours, funny, warm, loud, raw and that maybe you can figure out this thing called ‘life’ together. #YasssKween 🙌🏼

Kween Krush: BREE TOMASEL “From Hiding My Humour To Going Viral!”

Kween Krush: BREE TOMASEL “From Hiding My Humour To Going Viral!”

Kween Krush alert!! This is where we celebrate everyday women for being complete badass Wonder Women.

Briannnnna, we have a crush on you because you’re funny AF! In the last few years you’ve become this viral internet sensation, as well as a national radio star and co-host of the best kind. What came first? Wanting to be internet famous or your love for radio?

All these compliments! I can feel my head swelling. Haha!! Radio has always been the dream since I was a little girl, but I never thought it could be a reality. I literally pinch myself all the time and still can’t believe I get paid to make a dick of myself on the radio and do something I truly love everyday. Making people laugh is something that gives me so much life and happiness and the video thing was just a natural progression that gave me another outlet to do that. Seeing people engage and enjoy what you’re doing is the best feeling.

Did it take you by surprise when your videos started to be shared and liked worldwide? Some have millions of views!

I still remember opening my page and seeing one of my videos Sober Uber home Vs. Drunk Uber home going ‘viral’ for the first time and it was the strangest feeling. It got thousands of views a minute and I thought Facebook had a glitch and then I realised what was happening. I still get shocked every single time a video I post goes well.

On your social platforms you broach crude hilarious subject matters (mostly ones that involve your Mum); was this a planned attempt to do something different as a female or something that just came naturally?

None of my stuff is super planned, it’s literally just me exploding onto video. My content is real, raw and authentically me. Sometimes it works and sometimes it doesn’t. Haha.

How important is it to you that different representations of women are showcased online?

OMG, so bloody important and one of the reasons why I’m so thankful for platforms like social media, as it showcases people of all shapes, colours, ethnicities and backgrounds. When I was growing up there wasn’t really anyone like me portrayed in the media. I always felt different and a little out of place. Sometimes I would hide the humorous side of me, as I was told it’s not attractive for a girl to be funny, so showing young girls and women that it’s ok to be the ‘funny female’ is so important to me.

Do you feel any additional pressure? Do you think it’s harder as a female to make your mark in the big bad world of web?

There are so many amazingly hilarious women in the media and on the internet these days. So many are making their mark in their own way which is so encouraging for younger girls who are wanting to create content. I think the hardest part about putting content out there is being original and different because so much has been done already.

Do you get approached on the street by strangers/fans? What’s their general reaction to your content and was it weird to receive this type of attention at first?

It’s still so humbling when someone comes up to me on the street and says that watching one of my videos brought them out of a bad place or they watch them with their friends and family. It’s always super surreal but the most amazing feeling knowing you’re making even the tiniest difference in someone’s day.

You’ve spent the last two years doing breakfast radio in Australia with Gawndy but you’ve just been offered a new kick-ass radio gig in New Zealand. How does it feel now knowing you’re dealing with a different audience?

I’ve been in NZ for about 4 weeks and it still doesn’t feel real. Some people would call me crazy and they’re probably right, it’s been a long and pretty difficult process. I’ve had to open a new bank account, get a driver’s license, phone number, find somewhere to live, all whilst starting a new job, so it’s been a full on experience. My new radio show won’t start for a couple of months which will give me some time to settle and learn the Kiwi lingo. It’s daunting knowing I have to win over an entire new audience and to them I’ll be a foreigner which makes it even harder but I’m up for the challenge.

Are you worried about making new friends and setting up a new life in a different city/country?

Of course, it’s a big thing to move your entire life but it’s also exciting. Radio gigs are one of those things that you have to be willing to truly chase and that means probably moving your entire life multiple times, starting over and getting used to constantly making new friends. Anyone who has chased a dream in radio will tell you the same thing, it’s not easy but it comes with the gig.

Who inspires you and what can we expect from you next?

I think anyone who has gone against the norm and are their true selves are the people I look up to. I’ve got a lot of different things in the works, like some hidden camera/people reaction videos which I haven’t done much of before, so I’m pumped about that. I’m about to release a ringtone on iTunes of my Mother screaming my name “Oohhhhh Briannnnna” and some merch which my Mum will pretend she isn’t stoked about but will secretly love. I also have a goal to do my first stand up gig this year which I’m shitting my pants at the thought of. Lol!

Carmela’s first memory of Bree was MCing at a radio/schoolies event on the Gold Coast in Queensland. Bree spent most of the time rapping into the mic. Carmela thought she was hilarious then and knew it wouldn’t be the last time we’d hear from her. Fast forward a mere 5 years later and Carmela is still utterly in awe of how freaking hysterical and genuine Bree is. Finally, the rest of the planet has caught up and now gets to ‘lol’ at her daily too.

If you want to laugh till a little bit of pee comes out then follow Bree on Facebook, ditch the cat videos and check out her YouTube channel and chuckle while she continues to harass her Mother on Instagram.

Guest Kween: BELINDA COTTON “I Failed At My Chosen Career But I Survived!”

Guest Kween: BELINDA COTTON “I Failed At My Chosen Career But I Survived!”

I was always going to be famous. It was like, in my DNA. I got a taste of fame early on when I was the star of a local Telethon: the focus of a 24 hour live TV event to raise money for a children’s hospital. It was awesome! So I thought I’d better set about becoming famous for reals.

I studied journalism, television presenting and radio announcing. I decided I wanted to read the 6 o’clock news on the telly and I also wanted to read those bits on the TV after the ads but before the show: “This program, brought to you by Toyota!” You know the ones.

At uni I discovered radio was way better than television; less call for hair and makeup, more opportunity for ridiculousness, and I did it!! I achieved a small amount of fame for a little while. Not earth-shattering-Cate-Blanchett-style-fame, but people recognised me on the street, pubs let me jump the queue and shops gave me discounts. It was a super fun time!

Now, it was somewhere around this point that I started to royally fuck things up.

I jumped ship from my radio station, leaving my mediocre fame; seduced by the lights and the promise of more money on the other side of the country. Not long after that another company came along and promised me more money and more fame (which of course I was totally expecting), so I ran to them with open arms, just as the media company I was leaving was really transforming.

I never really hit my stride and I never really found my niche with the other company. I missed my opportunity. Slowly my star faded and I just became a worker bee, consigned to an irrelevant on-air shift that no one seemed to listen to. I took on more off-air roles that just consumed both me and my passion for radio. Where was my promised fame? Where was my name in lights? How did I mess this up so much? Was I really destined for the banal, the humdrum? Why wasn’t I reading the 6 o’clock news? How come bouncers weren’t letting me skip the line at the pub anymore?

I found myself angry and sad, overworked and underappreciated. I realised this wasn’t super fun anymore, but I had a mortgage now. Disillusionment set in with a thwack! Here I was, on the wrong side of the country, not rich and famous, doing a job that I now hated. How the hell did I get here? I’ll tell you: by my own bad decisions. I didn’t know they were bad decisions at the time but there’s not a single other person on this planet that I can blame for where I ended up. And trust me, I tried.

Then, I got made redundant; worst fear realised. “They hate me, I was crap at my job and they wanted me out” were the constant thoughts running through my head. I had never felt so low, so much like a disappointment. It was like all this hard work I had done was for nothing. And I still had that damn mortgage to pay.

But, sometimes you fear the worst, only to find out the worst isn’t really that bad. Actually, it’s nowhere close to what you were worried about.

No, these turns of events didn’t leave me living in the gutter, never getting out my pajamas or currently typing this on a shared computer at the library. I reincarnated myself. I’m currently living my life post radio, and guess what I do for a job? I read those bits on the TV after the ads but before the show: “This program, brought to you by Toyota!”. You know the ones.

These days I work from home. I run my own successful voice-over business. I get paid stupid amounts of money to read scripts that are only 30 seconds long. I’m the girl you hear during most of the ad breaks; sometimes selling you a car, sometimes convincing you to take a holiday. It doesn’t suck.

Life didn’t turn out the way I expected, and I have decided I’ll have to turn to reality TV to achieve my much needed fame, but it’s not all bad news.

I failed at my chosen career but I survived. Then again, did I fail? Or did I just get lucky?

Belinda Cotton is a professional voice-over artist who likes to drink beer, hang out with friends, listen to live music and travel. Preferably all four at the same time. She’d also like to have a dog and two cats, but so far no luck.

@Belyando

Guest Kween: JANE CONNORS “You’re Under No Obligation To Live Your Life A Certain Way!”

Guest Kween: JANE CONNORS “You’re Under No Obligation To Live Your Life A Certain Way!”

Let’s be real Kweens- adulting is HARD!

I could not wait to grow up and make all my own decisions and create my dream life!

I thought it was going to look a certain way. You expect to get married, have babies, have a great career, buy a house all by the age of about 25. The earlier the better!

SPOILER: it didn’t happen for me this way at all. Well to be honest not even one part of that has happened.

I am about to turn 40, very single, with no kids, no house, (and I don’t mean I rent, I mean I have a storage locker with my stuff in it and no fixed address) and I chucked in my career to work for myself. Absolutely not the life mini-Jane planned out but what did mini-Jane know anyway?!

I spent almost ten years working in media in Sydney and I LOVED IT. It was my dream gig. My workplace was listed as one of those ‘top places to work’ in Australia. I interviewed there 3 times before I got a job. I had great friends, a great boss and great perks (think lots of parties, tickets to the best concerts and a beer fridge that was permanently open). But I left it all on a whim (and with a lot of tears) for nothing. For wide open space. To chase dreams that I hadn’t even figured out yet what they even were.

I flailed around for a good six months afterwards. It was terrifying. I regretted it. A lot. I went back casually. I felt so vulnerable. I wasn’t achieving anything. Basically I got scared that I’d made a HUGE mistake.

Thankfully, just before I reached the point of begging my boss to take me back I scored a contract to produce a two month tour for someone I hugely admired. Literally my dream gig! And I learned that your dream gig can change. You can change. What lit you up yesterday doesn’t have to be it for you. Sometimes you need to wait for the right timing. And waiting can be scary.

Flash forward and today I contract regularly creating events for people I admire. I work for myself. I can roll out of bed anytime I want. I can work in my pjs. I’m on the road so much that I currently do not have an actual home. I see my friends so much less than I did before.

I don’t always have a steady income. Some months are better than others but I always get by. I cannot imagine going back to setting an alarm every day AND doing my hair. No thank you.

I do miss working in an office. I miss the camaraderie, having like-minded people around, the office parties, the office crushes (ammmiirighhtt??), the birthdays with office cake or when something big & exciting happens and you can just turn to the person next to you and share it. It can definitely be lonely and there’s no Christmas party (alright there’s a Christmas party but it’s just me singing Taylor Swift songs).

This year I spent two months living in New York, two months in New Zealand and two months on the Gold Coast. Some for work and some because I can literally do my job anywhere so I picked New York. I’m not an idiot.

This sounds pretty glamorous but let’s be honest, in New York I was sleeping on an air mattress next to my niece’s cot (actually that bit was pretty fabulous!), I wasn’t going out to the coolest New York bars, I was negotiating time differences and working ’til midnight cause that was when the Australia market was online. Most days it was exactly the same as being in Australia, but better. Ok, it was definitely better!

Sometimes I feel like I’m always making life harder for myself. Leaving good jobs. Moving cities. Being away from my friends and my support systems for long periods of time. Finding my comfort zone and leaving it again.

I swing wildly between loving being a gypsy living out of a suitcase and seriously craving bed linen and throw cushions and wanting to buy groceries. I really, really miss owning food. You can’t cook shit if you have to buy all the ingredients from scratch. This is a fact. But I wouldn’t trade any of it. Even if I don’t always know what I’m doing or where I’m living.

You’re under no obligation to live your life a certain way. Not the way your mum says you should or the way your friends do or even the way mini-you thought you would. Live life your way. Do what lights you up. Set your life on fire! I mean not like real fire. I mean like the Rumi quote says. But also sometimes burning stuff can be cathartic, so if that’s what you need I am not here to judge. You do you.

Pave your own way Kweens! And then find other Kweens that have done the same thing and have a long lunch on a Tuesday because you can do whatever the hell you want!

Jane Connors is a Freelance Tour Manager specialising in not being in one place for a long period of time. She loves Taylor Swift, TV Crime shows and is a very fast walker. 

@Jinny_Jane

Guest Kween: ANDIE TICKNER “The Roar Truth!”

Guest Kween: ANDIE TICKNER “The Roar Truth!”

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I stayed in a job that killed my soul.
In fact I stayed in many.
This has nothing to do with the jobs.
It has everything to do with my soul.

My calling.
My path, I’m here to walk in life.
The truth is, I waited far too long.
God knows I had the wake up calls.


They started gentle.
But then they got rough.
The universe showing me that there was an alternative.
Time and time again.
But I chose not to listen.


I thought I’d be able to handle it.
Command the energy to walk through those doors every day and bring my best.
Continue to work longer hours and give my all.


To sacrifice myself for a consistent pay cheque.
Sacrifice my happiness rather than face the fear of the unknown.
Sacrifice my health and mental state because I was too scared to leave.
Continue to fool myself that I could make it work.
Because that’s what we do right?

Until I was done.

Until I knew enough was enough.
Crippled with anxiety.
Overcome with confusion.
Looking for another way. Any way.
Going to the darkest of places.
Struggling to sleep.
Running on empty.
Unable to see the possibilities or ways out.
Until I had no choice but to make a choice.
A life worth living or a life of this?

So I chose a life worth living.

I chose to listen to my heart and follow my purpose.
My passion.
To make a choice to show up as me.
To speak my truth.
To live the life I desire.
To back myself and give it a go.
To step into the unknown.
To live without regrets and what if.
To choose myself.

Did it happen overnight?
Hell no.

Do I have it all figured out?
No.

Were there moments of self doubt and fear?
Yes absolutely. I still get them.

Can I always see the road ahead?
No.

Am I happy?
YES!

Gone is the stress, anxiety, darkness, unhealthy habits and bad relationships.
In its place is someone who is the happiest, calmest and most alive they’ve ever been.
If you find yourself thinking…. that sounds like me.

I promise you, it is easier than you think to make a change.
And guess what? The people and opportunities that come into your world when you align with who you really are and are ready to stand up and speak your truth… well they are just INCREDIBLE.

Check out Andie Tickner’s one woman empire below.

The Roar Truth

www.theroartruth.com

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